Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[botrytis]

[botrytis]

[sandyk]

 

For a nag free Sunday.

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/enhy4fcyopchjdu/video-1594714903.mp4?dl=0

[Allan F]

 

Translation: "The next piece is for the one who stole my heart and my guitar..."

[coleb13]

 

(from Cover Band Central)

[sandyk]

HNY 2021.

 

 

[sphinxsix]

Quote

John Dillermand has an extraordinary penis. So extraordinary, in fact, that it can perform rescue operations, etch murals, hoist a flag and even steal ice-cream from children.

 

Sounds like some weird xxx or art housen movie screenplay? 

It is not.

 

Denmark launches children's TV show about man with giant penis

 

 

 

 

I really don't know what to think about it, maybe someone will help 

 

[sphinxsix]

Audience comments at a classical concert

– [While the orchestra is tuning] “I don’t know the name of this piece, but they always open with it.”

– [Before a performance of Pachelbel’s Canon] “What do you mean there is no cannon? That’s the only reason I came to this thing!”

– [During a performance of Turandot, after ‘Nessun Dorma’]: “The guy playing Pavarotti didn’t even look like him”

– [Before a performance of Schubert’s ‘Unfinished’ Symphony] “Are we supposed to clap at the end, or...?”

– [At a Beethoven concert] “And which one of them is Beethoven?”

– [A child listening to the Dvořák Cello Concerto] “Daddy, can we go home when the old man has sawed through the box?”

– [Woman on the phone during the interval of a concert where Krystian Zimmerman was playing Chopin] “I thought he was taking me shopping.”

 

[audiobomber]

[sphinxsix]

Since the topic has appeared here..

 

 

[sphinxsix]

 

 

 

 

[lucretius]

22 hours ago, sphinxsix said:

 

Why is he dressed like the fat lady in the opera?

[AudioDoctor]

On 12/5/2020 at 8:42 AM, MetalNuts said:

 

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME??????????????????????????

[ASRMichael]

[ASRMichael]

Sorry last one! 

[AudioDoctor]

[sphinxsix]

3 hours ago, lucretius said:

 

Why is he dressed like the fat lady in the opera?

 

It's a camouflage.

 

3 hours ago, AudioDoctor said:

 

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME??????????????????????????

 

Everyone here knows you're happily married, what did you expect.?!

Maybe next year..

 

 

[sandyk]

Famous Cardiac Surgeon Chang.
CHANG speaks (an oldie) 

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.. Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?    
A:  Oh no.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy: No pain...good! 
        
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?    
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How getting more vegetable be bad?
 
Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A:  Oh no!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  
 
Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?  
A:  You crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!
 
Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  
A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
 
Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!
 
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
And  remember:  
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"    
    
AND....
 
For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.    
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...  
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
 
CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

[sandyk]

Another oldie.

 

Click on the image several times to obtain larger images

[cambridgehank]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fucking wife!

[sphinxsix]

Guys in the US, do you really think you can compete with Russians.?

(especially if their names end with 'in' - think Stalin, Lenin, Rasputin..)

 

 

For comparison... 

 

 

[Bob Stern]

[MetalNuts]

[AudioDoctor]

I should have posted it here originally but...

 

The goth anti-vaxxer refused to listen to The Cure.

[Allan F]

A Touching Story

 

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's five year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually, the construction crew adopted the little girl as kind of a project mascot.

 

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take the ten dollar "pay" to the bank and open a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the girl how she had come by her very own "paycheck" at such a young age. "Oh my goodness gracious, that's wonderful", said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week too?"

 

"I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f*cking drywall", the girl replied.