Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[sphinxsix]

 

Positive British views of the EU reached a historic high in 2020

 

It's at 60% now. The question is - when will it reach 100% and why ..so late.? 

 

(it is not my intention to piss off anyone who voted against brexit)

[sandyk]

Men jokes by women, for a change.

 

 

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE.
 

One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !'( Rugby team) And they say blondes are dumb... Well, he does support the Brisbane broncos. I think that says it all. ______________________________ __________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....... ______________________________ ___________ 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ______________________________ ______ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour The answer used to be “Gay” ______________________________ ___________ Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN In support of domestic violence. Good one. ______________________________ __________ Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practising to be men. ______________________________ ___________ Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Yeah, that or they are playing fun games. ______________________________ ___________ Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. He’s a friend of George Floyd? What. Too soon? ______________________________ ___________ Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals' ______________________________ ___________ While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world......... ......then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.  ______________________________ ___________ Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

 

[sandyk]

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!

 

Chinese Prostate Treatment  

 

https://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/chinese-prostate-treatment/

[PYP]

1 hour ago, sandyk said:

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!

 

Chinese Prostate Treatment  

 

https://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/chinese-prostate-treatment/

Gotta try the 200 kg.  

[sphinxsix]

How about more complex training.?

 

 

[sandyk]

[sandyk]

Al Bundy's best insults.
With today’s cancel culture, you won’t see this sort of show on TV again.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgDtgyzVZYk

[sandyk]

The story of Irishman, Michael O'Flahety  -  a victim of modern day depression

 This is a very sad but true story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast. Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.

 

[sphinxsix]

On 9/1/2020 at 12:18 AM, sphinxsix said:

How about..

 

 

 

On 9/1/2020 at 3:18 AM, Musicophile said:

Guess what. They produce beer there: 

 

 

https://www.urban-drinks.de/en/fucking-hell-bier-24x033l-49-vol.html

 

Sad news - no more Fucking in Austria. I have no idea if the beer is still called 'FH'..

 

Fugging hell: tired of mockery, Austrian village changes name

 

They've been working on changing the name for years:

 

 

C'mon, in the times when some would almost kill for some publicity.? 

 

[sandyk]

Bars are Different in Scotland - Love the Ads

 

[sandyk]

Wife vs. Husband

[Confused]

 

 

 

 

 

[MetalNuts]

[sphinxsix]

Small room piano.

 

 

Cool bass! 

 

[Allan F]

An elderly gentleman had long been suffering from dementia. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but things had

gotten to the point where she could no longer handle him. With increasing frequency, he would wander off not knowing

where or who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

 

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man

started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, hestarted leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This

time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So do you think you’ll be comfortable here?"

"I don’t know", the man replied, "It looks okay, but why won’t they let me fart?"

[sandyk]

Irish Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
        A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jeeyzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

        "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

        "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,
                and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

[sphinxsix]

36 minutes ago, sandyk said:

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

 

You're a real gentleman! 

 

[Don Hills]

An international cruise ship passenger (remember them?) visited a church in Australia. He noticed a payphone on the wall with a sign saying "Calls to God: $1000/minute". The next port on the cruise was in New Zealand. He visited a church there and again saw a payphone on the wall, with a sign: "Calls to God: $1/minute." Puzzled, he asked a passing cleric why the New Zealand rate was so much cheaper than in Australia. "Because," said the cleric, "it's a local call." 

[SarahSimm]

51 minutes ago, Don Hills said:

An international cruise ship passenger (remember them?) visited a church in Australia. He noticed a payphone on the wall with a sign saying "Calls to God: $1000/minute". The next port on the cruise was in New Zealand. He visited a church there and again saw a payphone on the wall, with a sign: "Calls to God: $1/minute." Puzzled, he asked a passing cleric why the New Zealand rate was so much cheaper than in Australia. "Because," said the cleric, "it's a local call." 

lol, gonna tell it next time I'm in NZ, huh

[Allan F]

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home to Canada in January, are at the airport in New York 

awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parkas, scarves, mittens, etc., as befits the weather back home. An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. 

The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from". 

He replies: "How would I know?" 

She counters: "Well, you could go and ask them". 

He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them". 

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me, looking at the way you are dressed, I 

was just wondering where you're from". 

The farmer replies: "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan". 

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?" 

She replies: "I don't know. They don’t speak English”.

[Allan F]

A defence attorney arrived home late one evening after a very long day applying for a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door, his wife started her usual  complaining, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?, etc., etc.?"

 

 

Totally exhausted, he poured himself a double shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, shutting the door to close out the sounds of his wife's complaints. 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that the governor had changed his mind and that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. 

Realizing what a trying day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the

bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he bent over drying his legs and feet. "They're

not hanging Wright tonight!" she exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, 

"For God’s sake, woman, Don’t you ever stop?”

[Allan F]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman who waves at him and says “Hello!” He's rather 

taken aback because he simply can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do I know you?" “Well”, she replies, "I 

think you're the father of one of my kids".

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper 

from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt???" 

 

The blonde looked into his eyes and calmly replied, "No, I'm your son's math teacher".

[sandyk]

September 9 1850

 

[SarahSimm]

I love this thread so much, ha-ha😄😍

[sandyk]

Can you imagine a past normal retirement age POTUS being able to do this every day, and with no  chauffeur or minders either ?