Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[sphinxsix]

[MetalNuts]

On 12/13/2020 at 6:56 AM, sandyk said:

Can you imagine a past normal retirement age POTUS being able to do this every day, and with no  chauffeur or minders either ?

 

 

HIs tough training and work out in the past may make his good physical condition lasts longer than others of the same age.  However, the video seems unreal.  It seems that either the whole place is cleared for this shooting or there is no officials working in the same building.😱

[sphinxsix]

 

After Google's worldwide outage a couple of hours ago this tweet appeared:

 

 

[Allan F]

On 12/12/2020 at 2:56 PM, sandyk said:

Can you imagine a past normal retirement age POTUS being able to do this every day, and with no  chauffeur or minders either ?

 

Trivia: As the Grand Kremlin Palace, Putin's official residence, has an area about five times that of the White House, it's probably an issue of theoretical interest only. 🙂

[sandyk]

Pfizer Vaccine.

[DuckToller]

Here is why a big bass sound may help you with your mating problems ... Fascinating 😄

 

[sandyk]

Eye Check

[sandyk]

Good One.

[cambridgehank]

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

[Allan F]

[botrytis]

 

[Allan F]

Punography (with all appropriate apologies in advance)

 

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.                                                     PMS jokes are not funny. Period

 

When chemists die, do they barium?                                            We are going on a class trip to the Coca Cola factory.

                                                                                                         I hope that there won't be a pop quiz.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and

pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.                                   The Energy Bunny was arrested today. He was charged

                                                                                                        with battery.                                                                                   

I know a guy who is addicted to brake

fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.                                       I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

How  does Moses make his tea?                                                 How do you make holy water?

Hebrews it.                                                                                    Boil the Hell out of it.

 

I stayed up all night to see when the sun                                   What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

came up. Then it dawned on me.                                                A thesaurus.

 

The girl said she recognized me from the                                  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

vegetarian club. But I never met herbivore.

                                                                                                      What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

I am reading a book about anti-gravity and                               It goes back four seconds.

I can't put it down.

                                                                                                      I wondered why the baseball seemed to be getting bigger.

I once did a theatrical performance about puns.                     Then it hit me.

It was a play on words.

                                                                                                      Face it. Broken pencils are pointless.

The told me I had Type A blood, but it turned

out to be a Type O.                                                                     A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[sandyk]

You can't 'Trump' British Humour

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/fbm3j0buasmlx2s/VID-20201119-WA0000.mp4?dl=0

[sandyk]

A well written Police report.

[kumakuma]

9 minutes ago, sandyk said:

In which case, I will ask Chris to remove it . We should be able to laugh at ourselves, and see the stereotyped humour.

 

I don't realize that you were an overweight black muslim from Ireland...

[sandyk]

12 minutes ago, kumakuma said:

 

I don't realize that you were an overweight black muslim from Ireland...

I have reported my own post to Chris.  I shouldn't have passed this one on here, although those on the same receiving list as I am from all over the world weren't pissed off by it.

[cambridgehank]

No, no I was only commenting on the jokes.  I am not that easily offended and Chris can leave it here.

 

[MetalNuts]

2 hours ago, kumakuma said:

 

I don't realize that you were an overweight black muslim from Ireland...

nor a Fiji black fat woman who never shut up 😈

[botrytis]

[botrytis]

[sphinxsix]

 

Le chic!

 

 

[lucretius]

 

delete

[sandyk]

Tommy Cooper Specials.

 

 

And for those who don’t know, Tommy Cooper was a Welsh comedian. 

TOMMY COOPER
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

5. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

6. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

9. Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

10. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.' 

11. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

13. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

15. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

16 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

17. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

[botrytis]

[Allan F]