Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[Allan F]

Re: A Touching Story:

 

Ooops...Just noticed that I accidentally edited out, "I worked on a real construction crew last week that was building a house next door", the girl replied, after "at such a young age".

[sandyk]

Indian Hills ....Still at it.

 

Try not to groan too much.

[jcbenten]

El Arroyo is a Mexican restaurant in Austin, TX and regularly updates the sign...they have put out several books of their sayings:

 

[jcbenten]

[sandyk]

The Courting Scot.

 

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.  For several minutes they sat silently.  Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,  "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."  "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."  The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.  Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.  Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."  "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."  The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.  And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.  After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."  "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."  The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.  Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."  The young man glanced down with a furled brow.  "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'  "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.  "Aye," said the lad, nodding.  The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.  Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

[sphinxsix]

A propos the latest events in the streets of the Netherlands connected with the introduction of a curfew..

 

 

 

[sphinxsix]

New retro Samsung..

 

[sandyk]

Store Front - MASK Notices

[sandyk]

Funnies.

[sandyk]

Logic from an uncluttered Mind        A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.   Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.  The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.  The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'  The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'        A  Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.  After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'  From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'   One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.   She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'   I love this one!   The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  'Just think how nice it will be to  look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's  Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a  doctor.'  A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'   A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'   'Yes,' the class said.    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?'   A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.'  I  LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE.  God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.  God is watching the apples....'

 

[Allan F]

Always check what is on the shelves of your bookcase before appearing on television.

 

[Confused]

[sphinxsix]

So what the truth is, after all.?  

 

[sandyk]

Punny, but funny

 

 

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night. She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

 

[Rexp]

[sandyk]

RETIRED HUSBAND
                     
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. 
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. 

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, 
from the local Wal-Mart    
Dear Mrs. Harris: 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:   
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 
   
5. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 
6. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.   

7. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'   

  
8. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? 

And last, but not least: 
9. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 
One of the clerks passed out.
   
 

[MetalNuts]

1 hour ago, sandyk said:

RETIRED HUSBAND
                     
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. 
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. 

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, 
from the local Wal-Mart    
Dear Mrs. Harris: 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:   
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 
   
5. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 
6. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.   

7. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'   

  
8. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? 

And last, but not least: 
9. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 
One of the clerks passed out.
   
 

 

You are very naughty!😄

[Allan F]

[botrytis]

[botrytis]

[sandyk]

Hooters

 

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the

other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf

and catch up with each other.

 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

 

"Where you wanna go?"

 

"Hooters."

 

"Why Hooters?"

 

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the

gorgeous legs."

 

"You're on."

 

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

 

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

 

"Hooters."

 

"Again? Why?"

 

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

 

"OK."

 

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

 

"Hooters.

 

"Why?"

 

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

 

"OK."

 

At age 62 they meet again.

 

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

 

"Hooters."

 

"Why?"

 

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

 

"Good choice"

 

At age 72 they meet again.

 

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

 

"Hooters."

 

"Why?"

 

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have

senior discounts."

 

"Great choice."

 

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

 

"Hooters."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because we've never been there before."

 

"Okay, let's give it a try."

 

[Confused]

[Allan F]

 

[botrytis]

Sorry, I couldn't resist posting this one.

 

[sandyk]

A penny for your thoughts on this one.

(May be offensive to a few, so do not open if concerned)

 

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/xd5rz2t610zqry7/VIDEO-2020-12-29-18-13-01.mp4?dl=0