Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[Allan F]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the hole in front of them. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in extreme agony.

Rushing up to the man, the woman exclaimed, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me". "Oh no, I'll be all right in  a few minutes", he replied, still in obvious agony as he lay there in a fetal posision clasping his hands together at this groin.

At her further insistence, he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments.

 

"Now, how does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great", he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell".

.

[Allan F]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went to a marriage counsellor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a long tirade describing all that she had endured from the day that they first married. On and on she went: neglect. lack of intimacy, loneliness, feelings of being unloved and unwanted, etc., etc., etc.

 

The therapist listened to this for some time, and then got up from his chair and walked around his desk. After asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched with a raised eyebrow. Eventually, the woman sat down in a daze.

 

The therapist then turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

 

"Well", replied the husband, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I always go fishing".

 

 

 

[Audiophile Neuroscience]

 

[Nikhil]

There once was a lion with a confidence problem.

 

He woke up one morning with the usual nagging sense of self doubt.  So he decided to do something about it.  Walking outside his den he chanced upon a mouse. He immediately grabbed it by the tail and roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”    The mouse replied trembling, “You are the king of the jungle”.  Satisfied with the answer the lion let the mouse go.

 

A little later in the morning his self doubt reemerged.  After all should a lion ever have to ask a mouse that question.  Eventually, he came across some deer in the forest meadow. Catching the nearest one, once again he roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”   The deer almost fainted but fearfully managed to reply, “You sir are the king of the jungle.”   This gave the lion some respite.

 

It was around lunch time when the lion again began to have doubts.   He decided that he needed to up the ante and that’s when he came across a herd of elephants grazing.

 

Walking up to the elephants, he asked “Who is the king of jungle?” 

 

Most of the elephants didn’t bother to look let alone acknowledge the question.   This put the lion in a spot.   After gathering himself a little, he roared at the elephants, “Who is the king of the jungle?!”  Some of the elephants turned to look back to see where the commotion was coming from but only to return to their grazing unfazed.     

 

This enraged the lion.  Scratching the ground and roaring with all his might he decided to charge the elephants.  But before he knew it, one of the elephants caught him by the tail and proceeded to dust him into the dirt before throwing him over the shoulder back to where he started his charge.   

 

The poor lion picked himself up, walked up slowly to the elephants and said, “I just asked you guys a question.  If you did not know the answer, just say you did not know the answer.  There was no need to get upset about it.”

 

 

 

 

.

[esmit]

On 4/3/2020 at 12:10 AM, DuckToller said:

German humorists

That is a joke in itself!

 

Once, me and another Dutch friend were in Berlin, and the waiter really had a sense of humour. We told him he was the first German we ever met with a sense of humour. He fetched his colleague, and asked us to repeat the complement. His German colleague then told us our waiter was Spanish.

[DuckToller]

1 hour ago, esmit said:

That is a joke in itself!

Oh, you should give yourself then a try with Otto Waalkes, from East-Frisia, quasiment boderline to the Dutch Friesland..
Not completely spanish, although especially his earlier works were quite funny (imho), while his later work was/is only professional funnyism.
Somehow between Herman Van Veen (young) and Rudy Carrel (late), who are the gold standard of Dutch humor for Germans ...
I've preferred Van Veen anytime,
the motorcycle  😉

[Allan F]

2 hours ago, esmit said:

That is a joke in itself!

 

Once, me and another Dutch friend were in Berlin, and the waiter really had a sense of humour. We told him he was the first German we ever met with a sense of humour. He fetched his colleague, and asked us to repeat the complement. His German colleague then told us our waiter was Spanish.

 

Many, many years ago another Canadian and I ran the hotel bar at a ski resort in Switzerland. I was serving a group of Germans a particular German white wine, the name of which now escapes me. They consumed a number of bottles, which depleted the stock that we had in the bar. So I went upstairs and retrieved several bottles from the dining room, which happened to be of a different vintage. One of the group asked me, "What is the difference between the 1968 and the 1970 wine?" In the very limited German I knew, I cheekily answered, "Zvei Jahre" (two years). They reacted as if it was the funniest thing they had ever heard.

[tapatrick]

...some one asked me tonight on a zoom call, if some friends we knew lived nearby. I said yes, a stones throw away. That's why their windows are all broken..

[kumakuma]

2 hours ago, esmit said:

His German colleague then told us our waiter was Spanish.

 

 

 

[audiobomber]

Quarantined couple:

 

 

[Allan F]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet in a display case. She walks over to inspect it and, as she bends over to admire it, she unexpectedly farts. Extremely embarrassed, she nervously looks around to see if anyone has noticed her little misadventure. Her worst nightmare is confirmed when she sees a salesperson standing right behind her.

 

Good looking and very cool, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional at Tiffany's. He  smiles and politely greets the lady with, "Good afternoon, madam, And how may I help you today?" Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that somehow he may not have noticed her "incident", she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

 

"Madam", he replies, "If you farted just looking at it, you are going to shit when I tell you how much it costs".

[Allan F]

A distinguished young woman on a flight back home asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course my child". he replied. "What may I do for you?” 

“Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened, and since I’m well over the customs limit. I'm afraid that they will confiscate it. Is there any way that you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"

The priest answered, “I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you that I will not lie”. “With your honest face, Father, I am sure that no one will question you", the woman replied. When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare”, said the priest. The official thought this was a strange answer so he asked, "And what have you got to declare below the waist, Father?"

The priest replied, “I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused.” Collapsing with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. NEXT!”

[seeteeyou]

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC9EjyMN_hx5NdctLBx5X7w/videos

 

 

[Summit]

A language teacher tried to explain this with "gender" to his students.

"I'll take an example," the teacher said. Boats, airplanes, cars and hurricanes are referred to as "she".

One of the students wondered what kind of sex a computer would be.

The teacher made this a group assignment and divided the class into two groups.

 

The girls concluded that a computer is definitely a "he" because:

1 He knows a lot, but rarely knows how to use his talent without getting instructions.

2 He is supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time he himself is the biggest problem.

3 To get his attention, you must first turn on him.

4 As soon as you get one you know that if you just waited a little longer you could find a better model.

 

The guys, on the other hand, considered that a computer is a "she" because.

1 No one, except her creator, can understand the built-in logic.

2 The language a computer uses to communicate with another computer is incomprehensible to anyone who is not a computer.

3 The smallest mistake is stored in a long-term memory and will cause problems long afterwards.

4 As soon as you get stuck for one, you will be forced to spend half the salary on more or less necessary accessories.

[Summit]

A few weeks ago, Canadian researchers suggested that men should review their beer consumption, given the results of a recent study, which showed that beer contains female sex hormones. The conclusion the researchers have drawn from this is that men who drink a lot of beer gradually turn into women. To see if this was true, they performed the following tests: 100 men were allowed to drink 6 pieces of 50 cl beer each.

 

It turned out very true that 100% of men:

Gained weight

Talked exaggeratedly much without sensible content

Became excessively emotional

Could not drive

Failed to think rationally

Would argue over the smallest thing

Refused to apologize when they were wrong

[Summit]

A man in a hot air balloon realized after a while that he was getting lost. He pulled down on the hot air and dropped to a reasonable height to ask a woman walking on the ground:

- Excuse me, can you help me? I'll meet a friend in an hour, but I don't really know where I am.

The woman replied:

- You are in a hot air balloon that hovers about 10 meters above the ground. You are between 57th and 58th latitudes of 18 degrees longitude, the woman cried.

"You're an engineer, huh?", The balloonist yelled back.

"Sure, how could you know?" The woman replied.

- Simple. Everything you said to me is technically correct, but I don't know what to do with the information. In fact, I still don't know where I am and you haven't really been much help, said the balloon man.

The woman replied:

- You have to be a business leader, right?

"Correct, but how do you know?" The aeronaut replied.

"Not difficult," the engineer replied. You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to the position where you are thanks to large amounts of warm air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to fulfill, and you expect people below you to solve your problems, the engineer said.

For safety, she added:

- The fact is that you are in exactly the same position as before we met. But somehow it has become my fault, she added laconically.

[audiobomber]

 

[Nikhil]

[Allan F]

[Summit]

An 85-year-old man from a town in the north of Sweden went to the doctor and wanted to have a sperm test done.

The doctor, who was from Stockholm, gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.

The next day the man came back and handed the jar to the doctor. The jar was as clean and empty as the day before.

The doctor wondered what happened and the old man said:

- Yes, Doctor. It's like this, first I tried with my right hand, nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing happened. Then I called my wife for help.

She tried first with her right hand and then with her left hand, still nothing happened. She then tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then without teeth, still nothing happened.

We even called our neighbor, Agda and she is only 76. She also tried. First with both hands, then in the armpit. She even tried to squeeze it between her knees, but nothing happened.

The doctor was shocked

- You can't mean seriously. Did you really ask your neighbor for help?

- Yes, the old man said. And whatever we tried we didn't get up the damn cove.

 

[Allan F]

On old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Mr. Schwartz, you had better sit down, I'm afraid that I have some very bad news for you. You have AIDS and you have Alzheimer's disease".

 

"It could be worse", says Mr. Schwartz. "Did you hear what I said?", asks the doctor "How could it be worse?"

 

"Well", replies Mr. Schwartz, "I could have AIDS".

 

.

[sphinxsix]

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”

“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

 

 .................................

 

 

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

 

 

 

[Audiophile Neuroscience]

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

[Seraph]

 

[Audiophile Neuroscience]

The Theory of Intelligence 

 

 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can

 only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,

 it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

 

 This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the

 general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the

 regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we

 know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.    In this way,

 regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

 

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'