Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[sandyk]

[sandyk]

A Bad Day at the Office .

[sandyk]

Free pee test.

 

This will save a ton of money ... no need to go to a specialist.A simplified Do-It-Yourself Urine Test may be helpful:   

Go outside and pee in the yard:

If ants gather, it's diabetes.

If you pee all over your feet, it's prostate.  

If it smells like a barbecue, it's cholesterol.

If you shake it, and your wrist hurts, it's osteoarthritis.

If you go back with it dangling out of your pants, it's Alzheimer’s.

 

[sandyk]

Royal Flush (or how to offend everybody)

[sandyk]

TOPICAL.

How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police - Chris Rock

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEvMc-K8XHY&feature=share

 

[sandyk]

57 minutes ago, manueljenkin said:

I wrote this master-piece (or so do I call it) some time ago. I was a cable skeptic back then.

 

 And you no longer are ?  😋

[sandyk]

SMILES.

[sandyk]

How to offend half the Forum members.

[sandyk]

Japanese humour using an elevator

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2gdhvoogv7p8n3q/Ascenseur_japonais___Pa_Mo-1.mp4?dl=0

[sandyk]

In the spirit of Political Correctness.

 

 

THE WASHINGTON FORESKINS: I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this guy is hilarious... 

This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins. 

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward. 

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin colour, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns. 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives. I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. 

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

 The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children. 

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves. 

As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers? 

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name, I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to every last dickhead in Washington D.C.

 

[sandyk]

Quote

Clearly @sandyk, you are not a Native American and do not feel the sting of this racial slur. Surely you watched Westerns. Killin' Redskins is major theme. You should be ashamed of yourself for posting this crap. What Americans did to the natives was genocide. Let's remember it, not whitewash it. 

 

Unfortunately, whatever anyone posts or says on virtually every subject there will always be someone who doesn't like it or takes offence, even when meant tongue in cheek..

I apologise for any offence taken .

 

[sandyk]

32 minutes ago, fas42 said:

If one can't take history into account for understanding why certain words, etc, used at a time is part of the natural progression of human affairs, then the outrage will be repeated, over and over again, through the years ... would be interesting to go to 50 years from now, and note how the world in general has deep contempt for actions that are considered sexy, and fun, now.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Brown

 

  Yes, even the old cheeky Beachside postcards are long gone, and not too many TV stations would be game to air old episodes of Benny Hill with his Hill's Angels. YET, many people commonly use the word FUCK (even many women), in their speech , which is really far worse than simple sexy innuendo.

[sandyk]

Hopefully, there is nothing too offensive in this lot. 

[sandyk]

Puns 4 Fun Video

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ceg4ek5mf1zjipf/Puns 4 Fun.mp4?dl=0

 

[sandyk]

The Laws of Life 

1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now

 

6.Law of the Bath  - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

 

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

9.Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

 

15.Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

 

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

 

Really... It's true.

I read it on the Internet!

[sandyk]

Subject: Put the coffee down before watching ...

 

 

 

[sandyk]

Jack Schiit.

[sandyk]

Righting Rules.

[sandyk]

Senior's Parachute Club

 

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. 
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.   
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.   
She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellows. 
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"  
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.  
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." 
 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" 
 
The line went dead. 
 
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[sandyk]

Russian Joke.

 

 

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

 

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people

 

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions:

 

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why did we send troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

 

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.

Another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions"

My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea

Why did we send troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And where is Alina?"

[sandyk]

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

 

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

 

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

 

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pi$$ing you off.

 

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

 

#6 – “On time” is when you get there.

 

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

 

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

 

#9 – Lately, You’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

 

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.

 

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

 

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

 

And one more:

 

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

[sandyk]

21 hours ago, R1200CL said:

We have a small town called Hell in NSW Australia near the One Tree Plain, where you hardly ever even see Kangaroos. Nearby are Hay, and Booligal. I have driven through there many years ago

[sandyk]

How Women Think.

 

CALL FROM HUSBAND(From Cell Phone):
 
“Hi Honey, I got hit by a car in the office parking lot.  Paula took me to the hospital. They have conducted many tests and taken numerous x-rays.The blow to the head is serious and may have lasting effects. I have three broken ribs, a spinal injury, multiple lacerations, a broken left leg and they are considering amputation of my right foot.”
 
 
REPLY FROM WIFE:
 
“Who's Paula ?”
 

 

[sandyk]

Hot and Cold Sex for Seniors.

 

 

[sandyk]

MAN RULES :     AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN   WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE THESE ARE OUR RULES!  PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!   1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.   1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.   1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.   1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!   1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.   1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.   1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.   1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.   1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.   1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.   1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.   1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...   1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TAUPE IS.   1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.   1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..   1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.   1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.   1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.   1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.   1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!   1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...