Off Topic | Just for Laughs

[Allan F]

[Allan F]

A man tells his rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live to eternity. Is there anything that I can do to achieve it?" he asks. 

 

"Get married", replies the rabbi.

 

"It's that simple! Getting married will allow me to live forever?" the man inquires.

 

"No", says the rabbi. "But the desire will disappear".

 

 

[Allan F]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ...A, B,C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What the hell does that mean?" she asked.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, dear, but what about I, J, K?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles. 

 

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say that she is crazy, I said that she is f*cking Goofy".

 

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The teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she said. A little girl raised her hand and said, "I once had a kitty-cat that stuttered".

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door came running toward us and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence and was in our yard".

 

"That must have been very scary", said the teacher. 

"It sure was", replied the little girl. "My kitty raised his back and went 'Ffff...Ffff...Ffff'..., and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him".

 

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She phoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit that was patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. 

Burying her face in her hands, she cried, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

 

[Allan F]

[Allan F]

[Allan F]

A fellow was in a Starbucks recently when his stomach started rumbling and he realized that he desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but, to his good fortune, the music was really loud. So to get relief and reduce embarrassment he timed his farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel much better. When he finished his coffee he noticed that everyone was staring at him. He then suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPhone with earpods.

[Allan F]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Allan F]

Posted some time ago in another thread, but IMO worth reposting here:

[Allan F]

40 minutes ago, gmgraves said:

It is if you’re a modern re-incarnation of Wallace Whimple. These guys I know are that. They’re not happy, they’re afraid of their wives, and they are more afraid of the California court system which, if they try to divorce the shrews, will give her everything the man has ever owned and anything he would be likely to own in the future. I don’t blame them there, the CA divorce courts are brutal to guys in a divorce. I shudder just to think of it!

 

Why don't you tell us what you really think, George?

[Allan F]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together after making love. “Well”, the egg says in frustration, "I guess that answers that question!"

[Allan F]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. While he quietly ate, she stayed and continually berated him with a stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs striking the wife in the head, killing her instantly.

 
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him he would shake his head from side to side.

 

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well", Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked and that her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked me if the mule was for sale."

[Allan F]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the hole in front of them. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in extreme agony.

Rushing up to the man, the woman exclaimed, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me". "Oh no, I'll be all right in  a few minutes", he replied, still in obvious agony as he lay there in a fetal posision clasping his hands together at this groin.

At her further insistence, he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments.

 

"Now, how does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great", he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell".

.

[Allan F]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went to a marriage counsellor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a long tirade describing all that she had endured from the day that they first married. On and on she went: neglect. lack of intimacy, loneliness, feelings of being unloved and unwanted, etc., etc., etc.

 

The therapist listened to this for some time, and then got up from his chair and walked around his desk. After asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched with a raised eyebrow. Eventually, the woman sat down in a daze.

 

The therapist then turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

 

"Well", replied the husband, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I always go fishing".

 

 

 

[Allan F]

2 hours ago, esmit said:

That is a joke in itself!

 

Once, me and another Dutch friend were in Berlin, and the waiter really had a sense of humour. We told him he was the first German we ever met with a sense of humour. He fetched his colleague, and asked us to repeat the complement. His German colleague then told us our waiter was Spanish.

 

Many, many years ago another Canadian and I ran the hotel bar at a ski resort in Switzerland. I was serving a group of Germans a particular German white wine, the name of which now escapes me. They consumed a number of bottles, which depleted the stock that we had in the bar. So I went upstairs and retrieved several bottles from the dining room, which happened to be of a different vintage. One of the group asked me, "What is the difference between the 1968 and the 1970 wine?" In the very limited German I knew, I cheekily answered, "Zvei Jahre" (two years). They reacted as if it was the funniest thing they had ever heard.

[Allan F]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet in a display case. She walks over to inspect it and, as she bends over to admire it, she unexpectedly farts. Extremely embarrassed, she nervously looks around to see if anyone has noticed her little misadventure. Her worst nightmare is confirmed when she sees a salesperson standing right behind her.

 

Good looking and very cool, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional at Tiffany's. He  smiles and politely greets the lady with, "Good afternoon, madam, And how may I help you today?" Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that somehow he may not have noticed her "incident", she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

 

"Madam", he replies, "If you farted just looking at it, you are going to shit when I tell you how much it costs".

[Allan F]

A distinguished young woman on a flight back home asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course my child". he replied. "What may I do for you?” 

“Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened, and since I’m well over the customs limit. I'm afraid that they will confiscate it. Is there any way that you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"

The priest answered, “I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you that I will not lie”. “With your honest face, Father, I am sure that no one will question you", the woman replied. When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare”, said the priest. The official thought this was a strange answer so he asked, "And what have you got to declare below the waist, Father?"

The priest replied, “I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused.” Collapsing with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. NEXT!”

[Allan F]

[Allan F]

On old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Mr. Schwartz, you had better sit down, I'm afraid that I have some very bad news for you. You have AIDS and you have Alzheimer's disease".

 

"It could be worse", says Mr. Schwartz. "Did you hear what I said?", asks the doctor "How could it be worse?"

 

"Well", replies Mr. Schwartz, "I could have AIDS".

 

.

[Allan F]

An old man goes to confession. He says, “Father, I am 75 years old. I have a wonderful wife, three children who make me very proud and two loving grandchildren. I am retired now, but I was very successful in business and am financially independent. God has been good to me.

 

“Father, this afternoon I was driving alone when I saw these two beautiful young college students hitchhiking. I picked them up and we went to a motel where we spent the whole afternoon making love in every conceivable combination and position."

 

The priest asks, “Are you remorseful for your sins?”

 

“What sins?” the man replies quizzically.

 

“What kind of Catholic are you?” admonishes the priest.

 

“I’m not Catholic”, the man answers. “I’m Jewish”.

 

“Then why are you telling me this?” asks the priest.

 

“I’m telling everyone”, the man replies.

[Allan F]

 

[Allan F]

 

[Allan F]

(With sincere apologies to my friends from Oz.)

 

The Wellington Zoo in New Zealand had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem to be that the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

 

While reflecting on the problem, zoo management noticed Rick, a big Aussie lad who was responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery, was standing nearby. Rick seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So, they thought that they might have a solution. Rick was approached and offered the following proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?" Rick replied that he would have to think about it over night.

 

The following day, Rich told zoo management that he would accept the offer, but only under three conditions:

"First", he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her".

"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this".

"And finally, you gotta give me a couple of weeks to come up with the $500."

 

[Allan F]

[Allan F]

 

[Allan F]

4 hours ago, sphinxsix said:

 

IMO, far more a sad and realistic commentary on the smart phone and the world of mindless slaves it has created rather than funny.