One for Jud and Allan ?

[sandyk]

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

 

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

 

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

And last:

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[sbgk]

what do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea ?

 

A group of lawyers on a diving trip, obviously.

[Allan F]

what do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea ?

 

The most common response is, "A good start".

 

Alex, thanks for thinking of us. However, most of the lawyers I know have seen these transcripts many times.

[sandyk]

The most common response is, "A good start".

 

Alex, thanks for thinking of us. However, most of the lawyers I know have seen these transcripts many times.

 

Hi Allan

But for the rest of us, it's reassuring to know that Lawyers can also say silly things at times too, even in a highly charged atmosphere like a court room.

Makes you guys seem a little more human ?

 

Regards

Alex

[InfernoSTi]

Isn't the first rule of the courtroom "never ask anything you don't know the answer to already?"

[Allan F]

Isn't the first rule of the courtroom "never ask anything you don't know the answer to already?"

 

At a trial, that is almost always true. But the opposite is true at a preliminary hearing in criminal cases, where defence lawyers want to find out as much as possible about the prosecution's case. And thereby often learn what not to ask at the trial.

[Allan F]

But for the rest of us, it's reassuring to know that Lawyers can also say silly things at times too, even in a highly charged atmosphere like a court room.

 

It happens more often than you might imagine. I just had to write down and save a question a lawyer asked a police photographer in a case of mine: "Now, constable, looking at photograph number five of the exhibit, are the package of cigarette papers and the tobacco in the place where you saw them when you took the photo?"

 

Makes you guys seem a little more human?

 

I'll leave that for others to decide. I'm not sure that lawyers are qualified to comment.

[Jud]

Isn't the first rule of the courtroom "never ask anything you don't know the answer to already?"

 

Yes, but sandyk's examples didn't violate that rule. What would violate that rule is something like the following:

 

Lawyer: So you admit you didn't see my client bite the plaintiff's ear?

 

Witness: That's right.

 

Lawyer: Then how can you say you're sure he did it?

 

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

[Ajax]

Yes, but sandyk's examples didn't violate that rule. What would violate that rule is something like the following:

 

Lawyer: So you admit you didn't see my client bite the plaintiff's ear?

 

Witness: That's right.

 

Lawyer: Then how can you say you're sure he did it?

 

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

 

perfect

 

Here's a joke not related but in the same vain ... our UK and Europe friends will get it but our US pals may need to look up Wikipedia.

 

"A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says;

 

“Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.”

 

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says;

 

“My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?”

 

She said:

 

“I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . ..”

[wkhanna]

why do the sharks leave the 1000 lawyers alone....?

 

professional courtesy

 

PS. My brother is an attorney & his wife is a judge.

[new_media]

My brother is also an attorney and found this one funny, so hopefully no offense...

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

 

One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other one is a fish.

[Allan F]

My brother is also an attorney and found this one funny, so hopefully no offense...

 

Don't worry. I've heard them all and I bet Jud has as well. We probably know a few that most people haven't heard. They are privileged.

[Gilles]

Why don't sharks eat lawyers swimming in the ocean?

 

 

Professional courtesy!

[Allan F]

Why don't sharks eat lawyers swimming in the ocean?

 

Professional courtesy!

 

Did you miss post #10 above? It's the same old joke.

[InfernoSTi]

Well, I have to say that they are all old and the thread was titled "One..." but Alex promptly posted 14 in the first post so I wouldn't be too concerned about details, nobody else seems to be!

[Allan F]

Well, I have to say that they are all old and the thread was titled "One..." but Alex promptly posted 14 in the first post so I wouldn't be too concerned about details, nobody else seems to be!

 

FWIW, John, I believe the "One" in Alex's subject line referred to his post, as in "Here is a post for...", not the number of items contained therein.

[wwaldmanfan]

Why do people dislike lawyers? This ain't no joke:

 

I'm riding my bicycle with some friends, single file on the shoulder of the road, and I'm last in the line. We see a black Chevy Suburban sitting in the road ahead of us, not moving, no turn signal. We're going pretty fast, about 25 mph. The group opens up a little gap on me, 30-40 yards, then everyone passes the vehicle on the right--except me.

 

Three seconds later, the woman right hooks me--she unexpectedly makes a right turn directly into my path (in order to turn into her driveway). I have just enough time to react--in slow motion. You know how that goes. I see her passenger-side window is rolled down, so I scream, "Stop!", to no avail. I lockup both wheels and swerve to the right, but still T-bone her vehicle, glancing off the front fender. I hit the deck on grass--fortunately--but land directly on my right shoulder. This injury is called a Level III shoulder separation. The ligaments that connect your collarbone to your shoulder disintegrate. It is common among hockey players and football quarterbacks.

 

The woman then proceeds to roll forward, directly over my bicycle, crushing it. She hears something crunching under her car, so she backs up over it a second time. Glad it wasn't my head!

 

At this point, I'm laying on the ground, and her husband comes running out of the house. Ignoring me, he rushes over to inspect the car for scratches. I call for an ambulance on my cell phone, and get taken to the hospital. My upper-extremity surgeon does not want to operate--too risky. I eventully scar up after 18 months, but with a permanent disfigurement, and about 80% use of my shoulder.

 

Here's where the lawyer stuff comes in.

 

I've never sued anyone before, but, I decide that I should. I find a very prominent attorney who happens to be a cyclist himself. He jumps at the chance to represent me, saying it's a slam dunk case. A few weeks later, he gets appointed to a judgeship, and has to recuse himself from the case. Oops.

 

He hands me off to his associate, who has a different perspective. He tries to convince me to drop the case, pointing out that if it goes to trial, the jurors will all be motorists...get it? And, he doesn't get paid unless I win.

At the deposition, the driver says she never saw me. She noticed my nine friends as they passed her, but didn't bother to look in her rearview mirror for anyone else. She also lies through her teeth, claiming she does not recall if she'd had ever had a prior car accident. Who doesn't remember a car accident? I get upset, then her husband gets angry at me, turns belligerent, and is thrown out of the room by their own attorney. Meanwhile, my lawyer is tip-toeing around the issue, and does not get her to admit any fault.

 

Long story short, we go to arbitration, and my attorney sells me out. The woman who nearly killed me gets assessed 50% blame, and I'm 50% at fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I get a cash settlement, but it is a pittance.

 

And, thats my lawyer story!!

The End

[InfernoSTi]

FWIW, John, I believe the "One" in Alex's subject line referred to his post, as in "Here is a post for...", not the number of items contained therein.

 

Of course, Allan, I'm sure he meant one thread...and I'm sure that the jokes are funny no matter how many times we hear them!

 

John

[Allan F]

Of course, Allan, I'm sure he meant one thread...and I'm sure that the jokes are funny no matter how many times we hear them!

 

John

 

I'm not as sure as you are, John, but I have probably heard them a lot more times than you have. Some are classic, however.

[sbgk]

Why do people dislike lawyers? This ain't no joke:

 

I'm riding my bicycle with some friends, single file on the shoulder of the road, and I'm last in the line. We see a black Chevy Suburban sitting in the road ahead of us, not moving, no turn signal. We're going pretty fast, about 25 mph. The group opens up a little gap on me, 30-40 yards, then everyone passes the vehicle on the right--except me.

 

Three seconds later, the woman right hooks me--she unexpectedly makes a right turn directly into my path (in order to turn into her driveway). I have just enough time to react--in slow motion. You know how that goes. I see her passenger-side window is rolled down, so I scream, "Stop!", to no avail. I lockup both wheels and swerve to the right, but still T-bone her vehicle, glancing off the front fender. I hit the deck on grass--fortunately--but land directly on my right shoulder. This injury is called a Level III shoulder separation. The ligaments that connect your collarbone to your shoulder disintegrate. It is common among hockey players and football quarterbacks.

 

The woman then proceeds to roll forward, directly over my bicycle, crushing it. She hears something crunching under her car, so she backs up over it a second time. Glad it wasn't my head!

 

At this point, I'm laying on the ground, and her husband comes running out of the house. Ignoring me, he rushes over to inspect the car for scratches. I call for an ambulance on my cell phone, and get taken to the hospital. My upper-extremity surgeon does not want to operate--too risky. I eventully scar up after 18 months, but with a permanent disfigurement, and about 80% use of my shoulder.

 

Here's where the lawyer stuff comes in.

 

I've never sued anyone before, but, I decide that I should. I find a very prominent attorney who happens to be a cyclist himself. He jumps at the chance to represent me, saying it's a slam dunk case. A few weeks later, he gets appointed to a judgeship, and has to recuse himself from the case. Oops.

 

He hands me off to his associate, who has a different perspective. He tries to convince me to drop the case, pointing out that if it goes to trial, the jurors will all be motorists...get it? And, he doesn't get paid unless I win.

At the deposition, the driver says she never saw me. She noticed my nine friends as they passed her, but didn't bother to look in her rearview mirror for anyone else. She also lies through her teeth, claiming she does not recall if she'd had ever had a prior car accident. Who doesn't remember a car accident? I get upset, then her husband gets angry at me, turns belligerent, and is thrown out of the room by their own attorney. Meanwhile, my lawyer is tip-toeing around the issue, and does not get her to admit any fault.

 

Long story short, we go to arbitration, and my attorney sells me out. The woman who nearly killed me gets assessed 50% blame, and I'm 50% at fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I get a cash settlement, but it is a pittance.

 

And, thats my lawyer story!!

The End

 

A painful way to learn that all motorists are idiots and bicycles are invisible to them. As a cyclist you can't really afford to have 'unexpected' things happen, you'll always be the loser. Glad you're injuries weren't worse.

[Allan F]

He hands me off to his associate, who has a different perspective. He tries to convince me to drop the case, pointing out that if it goes to trial, the jurors will all be motorists...get it? And, he doesn't get paid unless I win...

At the deposition, the driver says she never saw me. She noticed my nine friends as they passed her, but didn't bother to look in her rearview mirror for anyone else...Meanwhile, my lawyer is tip-toeing around the issue, and does not get her to admit any fault...

Long story short, we go to arbitration, and my attorney sells me out. The woman who nearly killed me gets assessed 50% blame, and I'm 50% at fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I get a cash settlement, but it is a pittance.

And, thats my lawyer story!!

The End

I am very sorry to hear what happened to you and I don’t intend to defend the lawyer. But, given your complaints, I believe that you have to accept at least part of the responsibility for the outcome.

 

If your doctor had wanted to cut off your arm and you didn’t agree, would have let him go ahead or would you have sought another opinion? When your second lawyer showed a “different perspective” and “tries to convince me to drop the case”, why didn’t you fire him? Or at least seek a second opinion? A lawyer is supposed to work for the client, not the other way around.

 

Do you think that your expectations at the deposition were realistic? You criticize your lawyer for not getting the driver to admit fault. How often do you think any defendant admits fault at a deposition? It doesn’t happen. It may be hard to accept but, given your description of you lagging 30 to 40 yds behind, the driver’s statement that she didn’t see you is very plausible. Whether she, or more importantly, a reasonable person in those circumstances should have seen you is most important, as it defines the issue. That is the test for negligence. I can’t offer an opinion on the result without knowing all the facts as well as the law in your state. But I fully understand why you were upset by it.

 

A painful way to learn that all motorists are idiots and bicycles are invisible to them. As a cyclist you can't really afford to have 'unexpected' things happen, you'll always be the loser. Glad you're injuries weren't worse.

Sad, but for the most part, true.

[Gilles]

Did you miss post #10 above? It's the same old joke.

 

Well...I did miss post #10.

Only 3 posts prior, not too bright on my part!